Why I Think the Divorce Rate is at 50%
I think Ayelet Waldman hits the nail in this essay. She writes about how she loves her children but she is not in love with her children. Her romantic love and devotion goes to her husband. Quite a different, but refreshing perspective, from what we normally hear.
I HAVE been in many mothers' groups -- Mommy and Me, Gymboree, Second-Time Moms -- and each time, within three minutes, the conversation invariably comes around to the topic of how often mommy feels compelled to put out. Everyone wants to be reassured that no one else is having sex either. These are women who, for the most part, are comfortable with their bodies, consider themselves sexual beings. These are women who love their husbands or partners. Still, almost none of them are having any sex.
[...]
I do love her. But I'm not in love with her. Nor with her two brothers or sister. Yes, I have four children. Four children with whom I spend a good part of every day: bathing them, combing their hair, sitting with them while they do their homework, holding them while they weep their tragic tears. But I'm not in love with any of them. I am in love with my husband.
[...]
I wish some learned sociologist would publish a definitive study of marriages where the parents are desperately, ardently in love, where the parents love each other even more than they love the children. It would be wonderful if it could be established, once and for all, that the children of these marriages are more successful, happier, live longer and have healthier lives than children whose mothers focus their desires and passions on them.
This is worth reading the entire thing!
I HAVE been in many mothers' groups -- Mommy and Me, Gymboree, Second-Time Moms -- and each time, within three minutes, the conversation invariably comes around to the topic of how often mommy feels compelled to put out. Everyone wants to be reassured that no one else is having sex either. These are women who, for the most part, are comfortable with their bodies, consider themselves sexual beings. These are women who love their husbands or partners. Still, almost none of them are having any sex.
[...]
I do love her. But I'm not in love with her. Nor with her two brothers or sister. Yes, I have four children. Four children with whom I spend a good part of every day: bathing them, combing their hair, sitting with them while they do their homework, holding them while they weep their tragic tears. But I'm not in love with any of them. I am in love with my husband.
[...]
I wish some learned sociologist would publish a definitive study of marriages where the parents are desperately, ardently in love, where the parents love each other even more than they love the children. It would be wonderful if it could be established, once and for all, that the children of these marriages are more successful, happier, live longer and have healthier lives than children whose mothers focus their desires and passions on them.
This is worth reading the entire thing!
posted by Spitfire at 9:25 AM
4 Comments:
Congrats on "Site of the Week".
Excellent post here, and an arguement I have heard before. Many psychologists have turned from the "children come first" attitude and have started telling people to remember why they married in the first place. I hail from an Alberta farm family in which there were plenty of arguements, but never a doubt about my parents affection for each other, and it has transfered into my own family to this day. My wife on the other hand comes from the other side of the spectrum, her parents were and are never openly affectionate with each other, and I think it shows in the way we deal with different things as well as each other.
I am the more openly affectionate of the two of us, sometimes it bothers me a little, but I do know how she feels about me.
Great post....
Great post. And congrats on the Blogging Tory Site of the Week award!
Yes, home is definitely a happier place when Mom & Dad love each other first, and then in turn love their children as a natural extension. And if you are a person of faith, you can centre that love around God. Then you increase your chances for stability even more.
Dazzlindino,
I guess I am a combination of you and your wife. I didn't come from a highly affectionate family, and I envied my friends who did.
I try to make up for it in a way by giving the affection I wish I was given. I don't so it in so much as I smother people; however, I say, "I love you" a lot. With my family, it wasn't said to me as often as I had hoped. Therefore I say it a lot, especially to my boyfriend. I guess I'm like you in the way of you and your wife. My boyfriend does not come from a highly affectionate family either, so I know what it's like. It bothers me a little, but I know he loves just as much.
Joanne,
Thanks for the comment. Agreed, but if one partner is a person of faith and the other isn't it can make the relationship difficult. In my relationship, my boyfriend is the person of faith, while I'm the lost soul.
Never say never. :)
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